When you and your partner fight, do you or you both resort to some low blows? Do you say some nasty things to one another you later regret? Or, does it seem like your partner is punishing you for something you did by withholding affection and sex from you? If any of this feels like it describes a common toxic dynamic in your relationship, you’re likely experiencing the losing strategy known as retaliation/revenge.
The Fourth Losing Strategy: Retaliation/Revenge
Retaliation/revenge can be large or small, direct or indirect. Here are some examples:
1. A small scale, direct retaliatory set of statements: “You think I’m mean, Marvin? Well, everyone says that you’re mean. The only reason you have any friends at all is because of your money” (Real, 2007, p. 51).
2. A small scale, indirect retaliatory interaction:
Question: “Did you like making love last night, darling?”
Answer: “It was fine” (Real, 2007, p. 52).
In Gottman Couples’ Therapeutic parlance, this is an example of turning against, which is the most damaging response to your partner’s bid for connection. Each moment of this is like a dagger to the relational armor. Every instance of it feels like a betrayal and creates or adds to the feeling that you then cannot depend on your partner to be there to give you what you are looking for/needing when you most need him/her.
3. A large scale, direct retaliatory response:
Just about every war that ever existed is a form of revenge/retaliation: “You attacked our country, so we will attack you back”.
Offending from the Victim Position
“Far and away, the most prevalent underlying dynamic of retaliation is offending from the victim position. Adopting this stance, one thinks: ‘If you hit me, I get to hit you back twice as hard, with no shame or compunction because, after all, I’m your victim’. Whenever you offend from the victim position, you wind up in the absurd position of being a perpetrator who feels like he’s being victimized even as he attacks” (Real, 2007, p. 52).
The strange truth about the vast majority of those who use this strategy is that they see themselves as victims.
“You would think the batterers, to pick an extreme example, would feel, in the moments that they lashed out, pumped up, powerful, dominant. But anyone who works with them will tell you that universally when they strike, they feel inside that they are the wronged party, that their partner has betrayed them, or abandoned them, or assaulted them first. O.J. Simpson – who, no matter what your thoughts are about the murder, was indisputably a wife beater – had the audacity to declare himself a ‘battered husband’ (Real, 2007, p. 52).
According to Terry Real, retaliation/revenge is the cause of 90% of the world’s violence, while the other 10% consists of attempts to grab land and resources.
Some examples of offending from the victim position:
• Cold silence from one partner to another
• Spewing contemptuous venom at your partner where you say mean and critical things about his/her character which imply a sense of entitlement, grandiosity, and looking down your nose at him/her
• A disenfranchised, angry criminal violates the civil code in some way
• Seemingly endless violence between fractious countries or ethnic groups
• Just about every war
(Real, 2007, p. 52-53).
All violence at all levels is manufactured and sustained through a victim’s righteous anger.
But Isn’t it Too Hard to Control Yourself in These Tough Moments?
When any of feel any host of negative emotions, such as hurt, attacked, betrayed, and so on, we instinctively and immediately experience a powerful set of emotions and impulses to protect ourselves. The right part of our brain swoops in in milliseconds to fight, flight, freeze, or fix. It is challenging, then, to control our immediate urge(s).
Still, with the right kind of understandings and practice, we can.
First, know that a lot of what happens in these intense moments comes down to permission.
Consider the following scenario: You’re rushing to work and you’re going to be late. You’re speeding, A cop pulls you over. When you cop reaches your window, you immediately take accountability, apologize, and inform the cop that you are in a rush to work and would appreciate the ticket in a prompt manner. Imagine, though, that this cop is vindicative; he’s a real jerk. This cop employs the losing strategy of revenge/retaliation. He purposefully keeps you waiting, taking his time to print the ticket, knowing this will drastically negatively impact you.
He’s savoring this moment, while your blood is boiling. I bet you’re feeling all sorts of intense emotions right now. You’re probably feeling rage, frustration, hatred, and so on at a very high level – perhaps even at a 10/10, where 10 signifies the most intense form of an emotion. Most of the time, when you’re experiencing all these emotions at this intensity level, you believe there’s just no way to control yourself; you’re going to lash back out in retaliation/protection. But, here, that’s not what happens.
Here, you don’t give permission. You realize the cost of acting out your intense feelings in a retaliatory way. You don’t feel like spending the day in jail. So, you make a choice to only internally feel all those feelings at an incredibly intense level.
The difference between moments like this versus moments with our partners is largely about permission. We can’t give ourselves permission to retaliate with the cop. Meanwhile, we believe we can give ourselves permission to retaliate with our partner.
We mistakenly believe there aren’t serious enough consequences when we retaliate against our partner. The reality, though, is the cost is devastating. One retaliatory statement directed at your partner inflicts tremendous harm on him/her and the relationship.
“Humiliating, ridiculing, telling your partner what he should or should not do – these are all aspects of verbal abuse, and they have no place whatsoever in a healthy relationship” (Real, 2007, p. 53).
Negatives are so incredibly damaging to us. It’s why, expert couples’ therapists, Dr. John and Julie Gottman, have concluded (based on decades of research with 10s of thousands of couples) that we need to maintain a ratio of 20 positives to every 1 negative in our daily interactions with our partners and maintain a ratio of 5 positives to every 1 negative in fights with our partner. This speaks to the tremendous power of any negative statement/display. We must work profoundly hard to overcome their incredibly toxic impact.
What to do Instead
1. This is all to say that, first, we must realize and regularly remind ourselves that there are indeed tremendous negative results from lashing out against our partners. When we feel that incredible welling up of negative emotions with the cop, we know we can’t retaliate because, if we do, we will end up in jail. We must take this same logic into our relationships, where, if we retaliate there, we end up in relational jail and we hurtle ourselves much closer to the end of our relationship.
2. Second, commit to a life of non-violence between your ears and between you and others. “Standing up to our thirst for revenge, no matter how ‘justified’ it might feel, is a large component of learning to live a nonviolent life. You and I may not be equipped to bring peace to the Middle East, or even end civil strife in our communities. But, we can start by committing to resist the temptations of retaliation; we can bring peace into our own bedrooms and living rooms [as well as our minds]” (Real, 2007, p. 53).
3. Third, realize and hone in on the healthy needs underneath your retaliatory approach. “You can start right now by making a commitment to take retaliation – physical and verbal, direct and indirect – off the table. If you’re mad, say so, but don’t act it out” (Real, 2007, p. 53). At the core of the losing strategy of retaliation/revenge is a wish: to make the one who hurt us feel what s/he made us feel so that s/he might understand and hold him/herself accountable.
So, underneath the veneer of nastiness, there’s a healthy hope and need of understanding, accountability, apology, and change.
“Harnessing that deep wish is the goal of a growing legal movement named restorative justice, in which victims confront their abusers in forums that make healing possible for the one and true accountability and reparations possible for the other. What this group of lawyers and statesmen practice in the public world is what we must realize in our personal lives” (Real, 2007, p. 53-54).
4. Take the right kind of time-out. “The best defense against verbal abuse is a formal time-out” (Real, 2007, p. 106). Here are the key ingredients to the right kind of time-out:
a. You and your partner agree that, whenever either one of you responsibly requests a break/time-out, it must be respected. When a break/time-out is requested, know that this is what is being communicated: “Dear partner, for whatever reason, right or wrong, I am about to lose it. If I stay here and keep this up with you I am liable to do or say something stupid that I know I’m going to regret. Therefore, I am taking a break to get a grip on myself and calm down. I will check back in with you responsibly” (Real, 2007, p. 106).
b. Either partner indicates that s/he needs a break/time-out. This is very different than one partner saying “you need a break”, or just bailing on his/her partner altogether without any indication. These latter expressions are unilateral and are disrespectful to the partner, relationship, and topic at hand. “Scrupulously couching your time-out as your issue has the distinct advantage that no one can argue with you about it. Telling your partner that he needs a break, by contrast, virtually guarantees an argument. The other advantage to a time-out is that cooperation from your partner is not necessary. Once the contract has been agreed to in advance, either party has the right to leave an interaction whenever s/he chooses and should not be stopped” (Real, 2007, p. 106). It’s critical, then, to use “I-language” to indicate the need for a break/time-out.
c. You must take at least 20 minutes away from one another (physically, mentally, and emotionally). If you don’t specify a particular time when you will come back to talk with your partner, know that, by default, you are agreeing to 20 minutes. In that time apart, do your very best to do something that soothes/calms you. Any time your mind wanders back to the fight and/or your relationship, firmly and kindly walk your mind back to the calming task at hand. Dr. John and Julie Gottman discovered that, even if we think about our partners in a positive way during this break time, we are still stuck in a negative emotional place. So, do everything you can to persistently focus on the task you’ve chosen to calm you, whether it’s a walk, punching a boxing bag, going to the beach, etc.
d. At the 20-minute mark, check back in with your partner (either by phone or in-person). At this point, if you need to take more time away, that’s perfectly reasonable. If that’s the case, communicate that to your partner. The ideal length of times between check-ins are as follows: 20 minutes, 1-2 hours, half a day, a whole day, and overnight.
e. “When reconnecting after a time-out, you must take a 24-hour moratorium on the subject that triggered the initial fight” (Real, 2007, p. 108). If you stray from this plan, you likely will find yourselves swept right back into the stormy fight again.
f. After the 24-hour mark, talk about and work to heal from the fight.
“Over time and with hard work, for every single couple that commits to the path, the baseline shifts. Respectful behavior becomes the norm, while taking liberties comes to represent the rare exception…You can do it. You can push back against the lure of retaliation, or the entitlement to take liberties. And you can demand respectful treatment in all your dealings with others, just as you give the same” (Real, 2007, p. 111).
“Time-outs are an everyday manifestation of that life-changing pledge. The tool of a time-out begins as a simple contract between you and your partner that acknowledges the priority of treating each other respectfully. As you learn to put the contract into action, a concrete practice grows, one that brings your commitment to full-respect living into the world” (Real, 2007, p. 111).
Curious to Learn More about The Losing Strategy of Revenge/Retaliation and What You and Your Partner Should do Instead?
Have you and/or your partner found that, on numerous occasions, you just couldn’t stop yourself/yourselves. You felt hurt, outraged, betrayed and you just had to let your partner know, in no uncertain terms, just how badly it felt, only to feel guilty later for verbally vomiting all over your partner. If this is you, know that you didn’t ask to react this way. You likely learned this losing revenge/retaliation strategy as a child. It helped you adapt to pain, became your normal response in triggering moments, and it helped you for a long time – until now.
If this sounds like you, and you’re tired of your relationship being filled with such nastiness, we can help. At Stress Solutions, we teach couples like yourselves all the time about this strategy, as well as how to take control in those heat-of-the-moment situations to regain control over your emotions and actions and be your best selves much more often. Feel free to call us or contact us here for your free phone consultation with a therapist at Stress Solutions, located in San Diego, California. We adore assisting couples all the time in transforming the way they treat one another to achieve the quality relationships they deserve as quickly as possible.
