Do you feel the need to let your partner know, in exquisite and completely honest detail, the exact ways you feel s/he disappointed, angered, infuriated you, and so on? Or, perhaps you routinely see your partner inflict this punishment upon you. In either case, you and/your partner are likely engaged in a losing strategy called unbridled self-expression. In this blog, we will explore what this strategy is all about, why it doesn’t work to get our needs met, and what we can and should do instead.
The Third Losing Strategy: Unbridled Self-Expression
Our minds’ job is to produce all sorts of thoughts all the time. We get into trouble when we mistakenly believe that these thoughts are all valuable and true. We get into even more trouble when we share one such thought with our partner.
Here’s are some examples: “I didn’t find you attractive when we first met, but you grew on me!” “Why can’t you just freakin’ help around the house with your chores instead of relaxing! Can’t you see I need your help!?”
Another example is “needing to vent” to your partner about every injustice you believe s/he has ever inflicted upon you and/or every flaw you believe s/he possesses.
This strategy is the metaphorical equivalent of vomiting into a bag and then passing that bag to your partner. Only one of you feels better after this handoff is complete. Can you guess which partner feels better and which feels lousy?
You might believe that expressing every thought and feeling you have with your partner makes you authentic. The reality is this: “When you are hurt or angry, spewing is not being authentic; it’s being a brat” (Real, 2007, p. 47).
Another false premise in which this “need for unbridled self-expression” exists is we all need to have a completely honest and transparent relationship and that any bit of “holding back” and not being fully open and honest fosters an obstacle to reaching the pinnacle of perfect intimacy. “This is utterly naïve. Intimacy is not perfect” (Real, 2007, p. 48).
“Real intimacy is born precisely out of the impact of your human imperfection with mine and how we both handle that maddening, endearing, challenging, and creative collision. A completely honest and open relationship is nothing I want to witness: ‘Honey, as sexy as I think you are, I need to tell you that I’ve always been more attracted to your sister. Geez, it feels great to get that off my chest! How would you like hearing a friend say that to his wife one night when you were out them for the evening” (Real, 2007, p. 48)?
Also, know that there is no such thing as constructive criticism; criticism is never constructive and is always destructive. According to world-renowned couples’ experts, Dr. John and Julie Gottman, criticism leads to a conversation going nowhere at least 95% of the time. It leads to relationships ending about 95% of the time. It’s a loser.
What to do Instead
Venting is not the only option. Before vomiting whatever thought and/or emotion you are thinking and/or feeling, take a moment. Take a breath.
Consider these questions: How will this land on my partner? Will sharing this move us closer, or further, toward a solution? Your goal should always be to work things out like a team, which means you do not have to share every thought or emotion that passes through you with your partner. Do your very best to always express yourself carefully and thoughtfully.
Also, consider this paramount question: “How can I empower my partner to give me what I’m looking for?”
You want to inspire generosity from your partner.
“Expressing yourself, even if done well, will not by itself get you more of what you want. In order to do that, you have to let your partner know what you’re asking for and then do your best to help him get there. What you need to understand about unbridled self-expression is that telling your partner precisely and in no uncertain terms how horrible you feel about his behavior is probably not the most effective way to engender a generous response” (Real, 2007, p. 48).
Some ways to foster generosity in your partner (to get more of what you want/need):
• Use we/team-based language when saying how you feel and what you need.
• Use the sandwich method in beginning communication, whereby you share one or a few things you appreciate, love, and/or respect about your partner and follow that/those up with a request for one thing you want to see improve.
• Use the gentle start-up, whereby you focus on what you’re feeling, the situation that makes you feel that way, and then what you need from your partner/the team to make it better.
• Be as specific and clear as you can so it’s easiest for your partner to have the exact blueprint of what you need.
• Present your ask with positive, future requests, instead of negative, past criticisms.
Interested to Understand More about Why You and Your Partner Fight so Poorly with the Losing Strategy of Unbridled Self-Expression and What to do Instead?
If you and/or your partner find yourselves feeling the tremendous compulsion to share all your innermost thoughts and emotions with one another, you’re probably resorting to this losing strategy of unbridled self-expression. If you/you both feel you have to get things off your chest with one another much of the time, it might be time to understand more about unbridled self-expression and what to do instead.
At Stress Solutions, we devote a lot of our time to helping couples like you understand if you are resorting to losing strategies like being critical and using unbridled self-expression in a misguided attempt to get your needs met. We also are incredibly passionate about helping couples learn novel ways to communicate and fight right so they are much more likely to stay a united front and get what they want and deserve from one another.
Go ahead and reach out by phone or contact us here for your free phone consultation with a therapist at Stress Solutions, located in San Diego, California. We love helping couples all the time to drastically reduce tension and fighting and profoundly improve their quality of friendship, communication, and fighting strategies.
