Does your partner tell you all the time how worried she is about your anger?
Has she told you how your anger gets the best of you at times and it puts a strain on your relationship? Does she express so much concern that she’s thinking about divorce?
Maybe you see it too. Maybe you’re terrified that you can’t simply figure out how to control yourself. You know you’re a better person than this and you feel so guilty, even shameful, that you can’t seem to figure out how to stop hurting the people with whom you love the most. You’re distraught because you fear, that without finally figuring out how to control your anger, you’ll lose your family.
You have every right to be concerned.
There are two prominent reasons men in relationships must work on anger management:
1. The one thing all women look for in a man is a specific kind of trustworthiness.
You likely have heard that women are impossible to figure out. Will Ferrell once said, “Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color nine”. One of the most brilliant scientists humanity has ever seen, Stephen Hawking, expressed that the scientific puzzle that confounded him the most was women, as he felt they were “a complete mystery” (Gottman & Gottman, 2016, p. 3).
The reality, though, is that women are not a mystery at all; science has revealed who they are, what they need, and why they need it.
The number one thing all women look for and find initially attractive is “trustworthiness”, which includes “ reliability, accountability, and showing up just as you are” (Gottman & Gottman, 2016, p. 5). Essentially, women primarily look for and are most attracted to men who are what they claim they are, and do what they say they’re going to do.
So, if you present as this stable, emotionally healthy guy who has their life together and then, suddenly, you reveal that your anger can readily get the best of you, you are denying the woman of the one most critical aspect she is looking for you in. You’re now communicating to her she cannot trust you to reliably be the same kind of person.
From an evolutionary perspective, the woman’s primary need for and attraction to trustworthiness makes tremendous sense.
Throughout history, for a woman and her children to remain safe, she has had to depend on her partner’s trustworthiness.
“Fathers turn out to be the most critical factor in the health and success of children across a wide range of influences. When fathers are not involved with their kids, there’s a five times greater likelihood that the kids will live in poverty, a three times greater likelihood that they’ll fail in school, and a two times greater likelihood that they will have emotional and behavioral problems, use drugs, get involved in crime, or commit suicide. Men make a difference. And men matter immensely to women and to their children, so there’s a reason women are looking for men who are trustworthy” (Gottman & Gottman, 2016, p. 6).
Women are constantly asking themselves, especially early on in dating, “Is he safe? Will he be there for me? Is he dependable? Is he trustworthy”? (Gottman & Gottman, 2016, p. 6). This relates to the other main reason that men should be concerned with their anger and should work on it.
2. Women feel profoundly more physically vulnerable and consistently fearful than men.
The simple and sad reality is women are living in a state of fear much more often and consistently, especially when compared to their male counterparts.
Consider a part of a workshop detailed in the terrific book, The Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the Love Lab about What Women Really Want.
The woman leading this workshop to about 50 men and 50 women asked the men to raise their hands if they ever feared for their life or their physical well-being. Just about none of them raised their hands. Meanwhile, when the woman asked the roughly 50 women the same question, every woman raised her hand. Furthermore, when she asked the women how many of them felt afraid in the last month, last week, and even that day, every one of them raised their hands (Gottman & Gottman, 2016, p. 27).
So, women are often feeling a lot more fear a whole lot more often than men. This makes it that much more important, then, that men look to get a handle on their anger as quickly as possible.
Learn to Control Anger By Working with A San Diego Therapist for Men in California, Oregon, and Florida.
The last thing you want is for your female partner to feel any more fearful than she already likely feels on a daily basis. It’s absolutely critical, as a man, that you are trustworthy, where you are reliably who you say you are, you hold yourself continually accountable, and you actually live in alignment with “what you see is what you get”. Experiencing anger is a human and crucial emotion. As men, we have to ensure we express it, however, in healthy ways as often as possible, especially in heterosexual relationships.
To learn more about why, as a man in a relationship, controlling your anger is absolutely critical, meet with us. Our team of caring therapists can help you learn the skills to do so and would be happy to support you. You can start your therapy journey by following these simple steps:
- Schedule a free consultation
- Meet with a caring therapist
- Start receiving the support you deserve!
Other Services Offered with My Stress Solutions
Therapy for men isn’t the only service we offer at our San Diego, CA-based practice. Other services offered include therapy for stress, anxiety, trauma, EMDR, and overcoming addictions. We are happy to provide support for both individuals and couples via in-person and online therapy. Visit our blog or learn more about us for more helpful info today!
