Terry Real, one of the world’s foremost couples’ therapists, details that, when we are younger, we all go through various trauma(s). Perhaps dad was often absent, both of our parents were verbally abusive, we were bullied in school, we endured sexual assault, etc. According to Terry Real, in response to our various trauma(s), we unconsciously adapt to do our best to survive. He refers to this adaptation as the adaptive child. It is our best attempt to put on our big boy or big girl pants.
This adaptation involves several key elements, including going to a grandiose or shame-based self-esteem place, having more porous or more closed-off boundaries, and employing anywhere from 1 to 5 losing strategies: needing to be right, controlling our partner, unbridled self-expression, retaliation/revenge, and withdrawal. The adaptive child self, along with the responses it entails, help us get through our childhood pains in our best ways. This adaptive child response is the automatic response we then have throughout life whenever we experience negative emotions, such as frustration, anger, sadness, and loss. The problem then becomes this: as we get older, these adaptations no longer benefit us and in fact throw us into deep despair and conflict in our relationships.
There are several problems with shooting up to an either grandiose or crawling down into a shame-based self-esteem place. The first is that both are delusional, as none of us are better or worse than anyone else; we all have the same inherent value, simply by virtue of existing. The second is that we can never work things out well with our partner when we are in either position. When we believe we are better than our partner, his/her requests, concerns, complaints, and needs are beneath us and when we believe we are less than our partner, we are too consumed in those painful feelings and thoughts and there isn’t the needed space in our minds and hearts to hear and work with our partner.
In terms of boundaries, our adaptive child response of either being too porous or too closed also becomes very detrimental as we move through life. When our boundaries are too porous, we feel too much and too often. If your partner is sad, you feel that sadness so deeply that it’s hard to focus on your own emotions and life. Additionally, if your boundaries are too porous, it’s very difficult to accurately differentiate when what someone else is feeling is about you versus about that person or some situation. So, your partner might be upset and frustrated with his boss, but if your boundaries are too porous, you can become convinced their feeling upset and frustration must be about you. Alternatively, when our boundaries are too closed, we shut off from our feelings and the feelings of others. This is particularly problematic as so much of our adult, intimate relationships involve being able to share and talk about our feelings with our partner, as well as actively listen to and validate our partners’ feelings.
Additionally, as children, we develop anywhere from 1 to 5 strategies that help us survive our childhood difficulties before ultimately becoming losing strategies in our adult relationships.
Here are the 5 losing strategies:
- Needing to be Right
- Controlling Your Partner
- Unbridled Self-Expression
- Retaliation
- Withdrawal
So, What Are We Supposed to Do Instead?
Relational Life Therapy doesn’t just name these patterns; it invites us to grow a different part of ourselves: the functional adult.
If the adaptive child is automatic, reactive, and built for survival, the functional adult is the part of us that can pause, reflect, and choose how we want to respond in the present. This is the part of you that can say, “Yes, I’m angry and hurt right now, but how do I want to handle this if I care about this relationship and about myself?”
You don’t get rid of your adaptive child. You learn to recognize when it has taken over and gently move back into your functional adult.
Here’s how that starts to look in real life.
Moving From Grandiosity or Shame to Healthy Self-Esteem
Instead of jumping to “I’m right and you’re wrong” (grandiosity) or “I’m terrible, it’s all my fault” (shame), healthy self-esteem sounds more like: “I matter and you matter.” There is room for both of your experiences.
In a fight, this might mean shifting from:
- “You’re ridiculous. This isn’t a big deal.”
to - “You’re upset, and even if I see it differently, your feelings matter. Let’s slow down and talk about it.”
Or from:
- “I’m the worst partner. I can’t do anything right.”
to - “I made a mistake here, and I can take responsibility without attacking myself.”
Neither of these shifts is about being “nice” for its own sake. They are about standing on solid ground so you can actually work things out instead of escalating the same destructive pattern.
Shifting Your Boundaries in Conflict
If your boundaries are too porous, you may immediately absorb your partner’s feelings as proof you’re failing or that something is wrong with you. If your boundaries are too closed, you might feel nothing—or insist you feel nothing—even when your partner is in distress.
Practicing healthier boundaries can include:
- Noticing when you’re taking things on that aren’t yours (for example, your partner’s work stress) and silently reminding yourself, “This is hard for them, and it’s not about me.”
- Letting yourself stay emotionally present instead of shutting down when conflict shows up, even if that means starting with, “I’m here and I’m listening, but I’m also feeling overwhelmed. Can we slow this down?”
Over time, more balanced boundaries allow you to feel with your partner without drowning in their emotions—or walling off from them to feel safe.
Replacing Losing Strategies with Winning Ones
If the five losing strategies helped you survive, what actually helps you thrive in adult relationships?
Relational Life Therapy emphasizes “winning strategies” like:
- Speaking from your own experience instead of blaming (“I feel hurt and distant when we don’t talk about things” instead of “You never talk to me”)
- Making clear, doable requests instead of criticizing (“Could we have 20 minutes tonight just to check in, no phones?”)
- Practicing repair when you blow it (“I was reactive just now. I’m sorry. Can we start over?”)
Here’s how this might specifically replace a losing strategy:
- Needing to be right → Getting curious. “Help me understand how you’re seeing this.”
- Controlling your partner → Stating needs and limits. “I can’t handle being yelled at. If we can’t lower our voices, I’ll need to take a break.”
- Unbridled self-expression → Thoughtful sharing. “I want to tell you what’s going on for me without attacking you.”
- Retaliation → Naming hurt directly. “What you said really hurt. I want us to be on the same side, not punishing each other.”
- Withdrawal → Staying in contact in a limited way. “I’m getting overwhelmed. I need 20 minutes, but I will come back and keep talking.”
None of this is about perfection. It’s about moving from automatic, protective habits toward more conscious, relational choices.
A Simple Framework to Use During Your Next Argument
If you and your partner tend to fight poorly, you can try this basic sequence the next time things heat up:
- Notice your adaptive child.
Ask yourself quietly, “Right now, am I in grandiosity, shame, porous boundaries, closed boundaries, or a losing strategy?” Just naming it can create a small pause. - Call a respectful pause if needed.
Instead of storming out or going silent, try: “I’m getting too activated. I need a short break to calm down, and I will come back in 20 minutes.” Then actually come back. - Re-enter as your functional adult.
When you return, anchor yourself in: “We are on the same team.” Speak from your own experience instead of blaming:
“I felt dismissed earlier when I brought that up. I want us to be able to talk about this without attacking each other.” - Aim for repair, not victory.
Rather than trying to prove who’s right, ask, “What would repair look like here for each of us?” That might be an apology, a change in behavior, or simply feeling heard and understood.
When Should You Get Support?
These shifts are simple to describe and hard to practice—especially if you and your partner are already exhausted, hurt, or stuck in long-standing patterns.
You might benefit from working with a Relational Life–trained couples’ therapist if:
- Your arguments quickly become mean, looping, or shut down
- One or both of you easily jumps to “I’m right” or “I’m worthless”
- You recognize yourself in several of the losing strategies and don’t know how to stop
- You want tools that are direct, practical, and focused on real change in how you fight and repair
A therapist trained in Relational Life Therapy can help you:
- Spot your adaptive child in real time
- Strengthen your functional adult so you have more choices
- Learn concrete, in-the-moment tools for talking, listening, and repairing after conflict
You are not broken for having these patterns. You adapted the best way you knew how. Now, as an adult in a committed relationship, you have the chance to update those old survival strategies into something that actually supports the kind of partnership you want.
You and your partner can learn to fight less destructively, repair more reliably, and create a relationship where both of you feel safer and more connected—even when you disagree.
Online couples therapy in California can help.
At Stress Solutions, we provide a variety of mental health services online and in person, including couples therapy using Relational Life Therapy and Gottman Therapy. Other services include anxiety and trauma therapy. We offer therapy for individuals, couples, and men via in-person and online therapy. Visit our blog or explore our website to learn more about how we can help.
