Apologies are a powerful relationship tool to build closeness. This might seem like a contradiction, since apologies require conflict, and isn’t the point to avoid fighting at all costs? Let’s be honest, there are no relationships where everything goes right, all the time. So, since nobody’s perfect, knowing what to do when your behavior hurts your partner or damages your relationship is an important life skill.
Apologizing is also, unfortunately, a life skill many of us haven’t been taught well. But that’s the great thing about skills; you are fully capable of learning, no matter how stuck you might feel in your old, ineffective apology patterns.
Why is apologizing so important in a relationship?
When we mess up (and we all mess up!), and hurt our partners through either deliberate or accidental action (or inaction, like forgetting a birthday or ignoring a bid for connection), it can create a rupture in our relationship. Repair of these ruptures is crucial for relationship longevity. Little hurts that aren’t addressed build up into big, glaring problems over time, so a proper apology can go a long way toward avoiding future resentment, distance, and hurt.
Apologies are also an opportunity to build connection and trust. When your partner hears and sees that you can acknowledge their hurt, that you want to be a positive part of her life, you are willing and able to center her needs, and that you’re willing to do what it takes to make amends, you show your partner how trustworthy you are.
What an apology isn’t
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” is not an apology; it’s a statement that blames your partner.
“I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help it because…” is not an apology; it’s an attempt to excuse your behavior so you don’t have to take responsibility for the impact of your words or actions.
“Fine, I apologize!” is not an apology; it’s an attempt to get your partner to drop the subject without having to do the work.
“I’m sorry you didn’t get that it was just a joke,” or “I’m sorry you didn’t get what I was trying to do/say,” is not an apology; it’s an attempt to blame your partner and an excuse, all in one.
Why do many men struggle to apologize properly?
Apologies are a communication skill, and many men are not taught proper communication skills. Our parents, extended family, and teachers are often our first models for how to communicate, and a lot of adults in previous generations didn’t know, or didn’t care, about sincere apologies.
Men are also sometimes so used to being deferred to that the thought of taking responsibility for doing something wrong can lead to anger and resentment. For men who are strongly impacted by pressure to be strong and capable, admitting to a mistake can feel embarrassing or shameful, hurting your pride and making you hostile to the idea of apologizing.
You may also only half apologize, saying you’re sorry and sincerely meaning it, but not making changes. The thought of putting the effort into changing behavior can feel intimidating or impossible, especially if you don’t know where to start.
So, you’re here. You’re not really sure how to properly apologize. But you definitely want to invest in your relationship and make real repairs. Let’s go over how to apologize.
How to apologize
When you’re learning how to apologize, it’s important to construct your apology with your partner in mind. Your needs, wants, and thoughts matter, and it’s worth discussing them, but they can wait for another conversation. Your goal, with an apology, should be to recognize your partner and make amends; it’s the start of a longer conversation, not the end of one.
A good apology has five key components:
Ownership
Own what you did, and the impact it had. State plainly what you’re apologizing for, acknowledge what you did, reflect back to your partner the impact you realize your behavior had, and acknowledge it was the wrong thing to do.
This isn’t a time for long explanations or excuses. Impact matters more than intent, so while you may not have meant to cause harm, it may have been an honest mistake or miscommunication, but you can share that as part of a conversation later on. Right now, the goal is to own what happened.
Empathy
Show your partner empathy. Listen carefully to what she shares with you about how she feels and the impact your behavior has had. Listen with the goal of truly hearing her, don’t just listen to gather ammunition for when it’s your turn to talk. Recognize that even if you don’t think you’d have the same response, she’s valid in how she feels. Her experience is real and meaningful.
Listening and responding with empathy and validation shows your partner that she matters to you, which goes a long way toward repairing a relationship.
Say “I’m sorry” and mean it
Too often, “apologies” are really just a long excuse without any remorse. Make sure you use the words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize”.
Timing and tone
Your apology should happen at a time when you and your partner can focus on each other, and you have some time to talk. It’s not something to do while you’re walking out the door, or in the middle of your kid’s bedtime routine.
It’s also crucial to approach an apology with a calm tone. If you are still experiencing some strong feelings, process them first, because apologizing while yelling, or with a resentful or upset tone, centers your feelings in the apology, not your partner’s.
Behavior Change
When you apologize, explain what you will do next, and then do it. Try to be detailed. “I don’t want to do that to you again” is a good starting point, but it’s broad. How are you going to make that happen?
You don’t have to have all the answers. Your next step can be “I’m going to figure out how to change.” This last step takes time and requires patience for both of you, but it’s the step that leads to real relationship repair.
What if my apology doesn’t lead to relationship repair?
Sometimes, our partners aren’t mature enough to participate in the relationship repair process, and may lash out, guilt you, or respond with resentment, rejection, mockery, etc. This is hard to experience, but it’s also crucial to remember that your partner’s reaction is not yours to control or manage.
Whether or not your apology is well-received, it is always your responsibility to own your behavior, respond with empathy, and make the necessary changes. If your partner can’t take responsibility for her own behavior, that doesn’t give you an excuse to abandon your responsibilities and go back to hurtful behaviors yourself. Why not? Because you deserve self-respect. And when you apologize sincerely, and live your life in alignment with your own values, you live in a way that builds up your self-respect.
That’s not to say you just have to accept hurtful behavior! If you find that you’re growing in your ability to apologize but your partner is still stuck in old cycles, couples counseling can help you both hear and see each other’s perspective, building communication skills for both of you.
Ready to learn how to apologize and many other crucial communication skills? Stress Solutions in San Diego can guide you.
When you work on communication skills, you can more easily navigate conflict and apologies in all of your relationships. Whether through individual therapy for men or couples counseling, we invite you to contact us here for a free phone consultation with a therapist. Our office is located in San Diego, California, and we can provide online therapy throughout California.
We are equipped to help you leave poor communication behind you, helping you learn about and make immediate use of healthier, more useful communication skills like solid apologies, helping you build stronger connections and healthier relationships based on mutual respect and care.
