Do you ever find yourself wondering, why my partner and I fight so often? You’re not alone. Many couples struggle to navigate conflict in ways that feel productive and supportive. Whether it’s small disagreements that escalate or recurring arguments that never seem to resolve, the frustration can take a toll on your relationship. As a relationship therapist, I’ve seen firsthand how common patterns like the need to be ‘right’ can turn conflicts into roadblocks instead of opportunities for growth. In this blog, we’ll explore one of the most common reasons couples fight and, more importantly, how to break the cycle and build a stronger connection.
Losing Strategy #1: Needing to be Right
One of the main reasons people ask ‘why my partner and I fight’ is because of the tendency to focus on being right rather than understanding each other. When we use this strategy in our relationships, we concentrate our efforts on one nagging question: Which one of us is out of line and wrong and which one of is right? With this method, each person believes s/he is correct and summons as much evidence as possible to prove their case. Imagine two lawyers in a court working tirelessly — and often viciously – to prove their side’s innocence.
The premise here is this: we can resolve our differences by eliminating them; “faced with contrasting views of what happened, the way to end the argument, they think, is to determine which version is the more accurate. They are in an objectivity battle: ‘You and I can settle our differences by establishing which of the two versions of what happened is objectively the correct one’” (Real, 2007, p. 39).
“The problem with this strategy is, of course, that each person is certain that he or she is right and yet somehow, annoyingly, for some utterly irrational and perverse reason, the other stubbornly refuses to see it that way” (Real, 2007, p. 39).
Another large reason this is a losing strategy is because it leads to a constant battle over who is right and wrong, rather than a battle for the relationship.
Furthermore, a key problem with this strategy is that it often leads to self-righteous indignation (anger driven by contempt). With self-righteous indignation, we no longer exist at a healthy, centered self-esteem-based place along with our partner and the rest of humanity. Instead, we catapult up to a place of grandiosity and superiority, looking down our nose at our partner.
“It’s no longer that I am angry; it’s that you are a jerk.There’s a world of difference between saying, ‘I’m really mad’ and saying ‘I’m really mad because you are such an idiot’!It’s the difference between fighting fair and being mean, the difference between expressing yourself and shaming someone you love” (Real, 2007, p. 41).
Being right, feeling self-righteously indignant, and experiencing grandiosity in general all have two worrisome shared aspects: they are all both seductive and incredibly damaging. It can feel great, in the moment, to feel right; you may even be right plenty of times and so it feels powerful to feel and share that. Similarly, it can feel quite alluring and powerful to feel like you are better than someone else and explain to him/her why s/he is a jerk, a bad partner, etc.
“Here’s the deal on being right, which often degrades into self-righteous indignation: It is always toxic in personal relationships and often dangerous in public life. You will never find a solution from a position of self-righteous indignation for the simple reason that you’re not seeking one. You’re too busy looking down your nose at your partner to care. Letting go of the need to be right is a core principle of relationship empowerment. Moving into relationship empowerment means learning to live a non-violent life – nonviolent between you and others and nonviolent between your ears. Scolding your partner as if you were his mother, passing judgment on him, humiliating him – these are all forms of psychological violence. There’s no excuse for it, and fortunately there’s no need for it either. Relationship empowerment teaches you how to honor your own experience while at the same time respecting your partner’s…There’s a world of difference between assertively standing up for yourself and aggressively putting your partner down” (Real, 2007, p. 41-42).
“If you’re mad, say, ‘I’m mad!,’ not, ‘You’re bad’! (Real, 2007, p. 42).
If you’re tired of asking yourself, ‘why my partner and I fight over the same issues,’ shifting your approach to curiosity and collaboration can make a significant difference.
Winning Strategy #1: Be Curious about, Validate, and be Sensitive and Thoughtful to Each Other’s Subjective Realities. Then, Work it Out Like a Team.
For many, the reason why my partner and I fight can be traced back to strategies picked up in childhood. If, as a child, you learned this losing strategy of needing to be right, here is what you want to start practicing instead. Let go of who’s right and who’s wrong. In a relationship, the answer to the question of who’s right and who’s wrong is: who cares?
Also, ask yourself this paramount question: Would I rather be right or would I rather be married?
Instead of gathering all the facts and proving your cases, focus instead on being truly curious about each other’s reality on the topic at hand. Remind yourself that you and your partner are two different people with different brains, life experiences, values, belief systems, and so on. As a result, inevitably, you two will run into countless things you see very differently. For instance, a word or topic might bring with it a rush of painful emotions and experiences to one partner based on his/her own subjective traumatic past with that word/topic. Here’s an example: If one partner struggles with tremendous anxiety, while the other doesn’t, aggressive driving could be perceived as 10 times more aggressive to the anxious partner than the calmer partner.
Remind yourselves that you two are equals and have the same inherent value as one another and everyone else on this planet. If you or your partner find yourselves shooting up to a grandiose self-esteem-based place, take some deep belly breaths and bring yourselves back down to that centered place. Only there, can you two see each other as you really are and want to work things out like a team.
Ask questions to deeply understand what makes it so you each see this particular thing in your own ways. Validate each other’s emotions, thoughts, views, and needs. Work to be sensitive, thoughtful, and respectful of each other’s subjective realities. Keep reminding yourselves of the inevitable toxicity that comes from shifting from this healthy strategy and back into fact-finding, proving who is right, and putting each other down from a grandiose stance.
Ultimately, work to collaborate with one another to answer the following question: now that we know, respect, and are sensitive and thoughtful to each other’s subjective realities, how can we work this thing out like a team?
Curious to Learn More about Why My Partner and I Fight So Poorly and What to do About it?
If you’re asking, ‘why my partner and I fight so poorly,’ our therapists at Stress Solutions can help you break out of these patterns and build a healthier, more connected relationship.
If you can relate to the information in this blog, you may be determined to learn more about how you and/or your partner developed this losing strategy of needing to be right. Furthermore, you’re probably quite focused on how you/you two can work to eliminate in your lives. Here are Stress Solutions, we can help you and your partner talk about what you saw and experienced as a kid to make sense of what you learned. From there, we can help you and your partner vigilantly notice when this losing strategy rears its ugly head and diligently work to replace it with much healthier ways of interacting and getting your relational needs met.
Go ahead and reach out by phone or contact us here for your free phone consultation with a therapist at Stress Solutions, located in San Diego, California. Our passion is to make the world a better place — one bedroom at a time. We’d love to help you and your partner drastically reduce the poor communication and fighting strategies, as well as learn about and practice the healthier ones that transform relationships all around the world all the time.
