Are you and your husband fighting all the time? Is the atmosphere in your home relentlessly filled with nasty, hateful words? Or, is it that generally, you and your husband complete most of the day-to-day responsibilities, like taking the kids to and from school and making sure they do their homework, but when it comes to time for the two of you, it either doesn’t exist or it’s cold and disconnected? Does it feel like you are in a failing relationship? Or, perhaps, your husband drinks far too often and, when he does, he’s never present in the way you and the family needs and you simply can never rely on him to take care of you and the kids?
If any of this aligns with your reality, I imagine it’s quite uncomfortable, frustrating, sad, lonely, worrisome, and even terrifying.
I have good news for you, though. This can all end – and it can end rather quickly. In this blog, I will walk you through the formula on how to achieve a massive and often swift transformation into the quality intimate and familial relationship you deserve.
To get us there, I want to first address one common misconception.
Is it better to stay in an unhealthy marriage for the sake of the kids?
Many people are convinced that, regardless of the toxicity in a marriage, they have to stay put until their kids reach adulthood. To these individuals, this is the crucial sacrifice needed for the sake of their children to become the best adults possible and have their most fulfilling lives.
This could not be more misguided.
The reality is a simple one. Our kids absorb everything. What they see as kids becomes a blueprint for the way they view themselves, relationships, and the world.
For those partners who decide to endure a toxic and/or unfulfilling partnership “for the sake of the kids”, here are the kids they are undoubtedly creating:
Child B:
- Scattered
- Fragile
- Quits when things get tough
- Lacking goals
- Easily upset
- Hypersensitive
- Unable to take advice without going ballistic
- Poor self-esteem
- Difficulty in courageously taking chances in the world
- On some either obvious or more unconscious level, views normal relationships as whatever s/he saw in your relationship
Meanwhile, for those partners in a mutually healthy and fulfilling relationship who raise kids, they are much more likely to create:
Child A:
- Focused
- Resilient
- Persistent
- Goal-oriented
- Able to handle disappointments in a mature way
- Don’t take themselves too seriously
- Willing to listen to other people’s advice and learn from it
- Strong self-esteem
- Confident and able to courageously take chances in the world
- On an obvious or unconscious level, views normal relationships as similar to the mutually healthy and fulfilling one s/he saw in his parents/caregivers
Based on this information, here is the exciting strategy to try to rescue a failing relationship where kids are involved:
Ask your partner which child s/he wants: Child A or Child B.
Present your partner with the two descriptions of Child A and B detailed above.
Then, let your partner know the reality: “While you may not believe it, the relationship between us is far more important to our child than how you act toward him/her. And our relationship doesn’t just affect how s/he feels right now. It will be the model for how our child is going to behave, what our child is going to believe, and who our child is going to be for their rest of his/her lives. And, right now, you’re creating Child B.”
The 3 Things You Want Your Partner to Think About and Agree to:
1. Do we both agree that our child will have a better life if s/he turns out to be Child A?
2. Do we both understand that we must avoid focusing on our current grievances and instead have a moral obligation to do right by our child, which means focusing on his/her future and resolving our issues in a cooperative and mutually respectful way?
3. Going forward, our task is to make a compelling and convincing case for what we’re asking for regarding living arrangements, custody, and co-parenting (for examples), and explain how it will result in our child becoming Child A rather than Child B. If we can’t make such a case for our requests, they will be dismissed as irrelevant.
Overall Message
Ultimately, raising a child effectively often means putting ourselves aside. We have to do our best to consistently present as our best versions of ourselves as individuals and as partners so that our child has his/her best chance of developing in the healthiest ways. Every moment matters and your child is always watching and absorbing information, even when you might feel s/he is not.
So, when you present this strategy to your partner, you are essentially “explaining that your mutual actions during this time in your lives will powerfully affect your child’s future well-being. It is
paramount, then, that you both commit to behaving in consistently respectful and cooperative ways towards each other. It is also critical that you both commit to always make decisions based on the goal of having your child turn out like Child A, rather than Child B.”
“So, no matter how awful things get, keep thinking about Child A. When you do this, you and your child will win in the end. And, if you and your partner can stay focused on Child A, you’ll all win, which is the best possible option for a marriage or divorce” (Goulston, 2016, p. 183-186).
Need Help Delivering this Message to Your Partner? Start Working with a San Diego Couples’ Therapist Today
It may be absolutely terrifying, if seemingly impossible, to imagine approaching your partner with the strategy detailed in this blog. In some situations, it may even be unsafe to do so, as your partner may be capable of responding with violence. If any of this feels true for you in your relationship, go ahead and reach out to us at Stress Solutions for help. We would be happy to teach you and your partner all about this strategy and help you two implement it to transform your relationship.
Go ahead and schedule your free consultation with a therapist at Stress Solutions in San Diego, California. We are committed to helping you and your partner break toxic patterns to be your best selves both for yourselves and your children.
